271) The Square Ball of Hogan Place, D2

A playpen for manboys. Desperate to roll with the times despite being so square. Easy to miss and tucked away in a placid backwater. Thanks to the Bodytonic Group [1] this building has been recently renovated and robbed of whatever scanty charm it may once have had. Foul tasting stout is ludicrously overpriced and engenders only antipathy and resentment. The usual Bodychronic crap applies: double cocktails, extortionate craft beers, premium board games, and gastronomy to cause gastritis. One particularly weird sign reads: ‘Board Games, €8 all you can play!’

This is not the first building they’ve gutted. Yet again (just as in The Back Page pub [2]), the upper level has been turned into an ‘Arcade Room’ equipped with a fucking ping-pong table, a Nintendo 64, a foosball table, and a piddling little row of arcade machines. The socially stunted may now have their virtual ‘comfort blanket’ not just in the privacy of their own home, but also in this very sad and pitiful public house.

Wow

With this already tedious formula of restructuring buildings, The Square Ball is in no way unique, and like every other Bodytonic pub - this place could be anywhere in the world. There’s nothing unique or Irish about it. (That’s no small matter seeing how Ireland is famed the world over for its particular style of pubs). Indeed this McDonaldization of pubs taking place in Dublin may eventually have its king: Wetherspoons, but Bodytonic is also aiming at uniformity. All one need do is look at the depth of style and character of pubs such as: The Long Hall, The Bird Flanagan, The Royal Oak or the newly renovated: Thomas Moore Inn (see: J.J Smyth’s) or even The Lucky Duck and compare it to any of the Bodytonic pubs for an idea of the devolution. This is not a pub as we understand the definition, it’s a deeply unattractive venue and well worth avoiding – try The Ginger Man or Becky Morgan's instead if you happen to be browsing with a mind for boozing in this neck of the woods.

Like a spoiled child’s bedroom, this room is in fact designed for the modern man in his pub

FOOTNOTES

[1] See: The Bernard Shaw for more on the awful Bodytonic Group.

[2] See: Clarke’s Phibsborough House for more on The Back Page pub.

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