369) Keavan’s Port (J.D. Wetherspoon) of Camden Street Upper, D8

Bell-ends and sellouts are we, selling our souls once again to the invading contagion of Wetherspoon’s, suckers for their cheap and plentifully flowing Beamish. It bonds for €3.55 of a regular day, but if you’re naughty enough to slip in for what they call the ‘Monday Club’, you’ll find it bonding for a very dangerous €3.05! Stop the lights and pump the taps, chaps! Ah, but it ‘Brexiteer to a glass eye’, as Tim says.

2022 Update: In the wake of Covid, Brexit and the war in Ukraine - prices have increased to €3.80 for the Beamish and the madness of the ‘Monday Club’ no longer exists. That said, it’s still the cheapest and fastest flowing Beamo in the city.

As with many a Wetherspoon’s establishment, some care has been taken in the restoration of the old building to its former glory - and most glorious of all is the Chapel, where one may sit and sup in a veritable sacristy, secure in a snug that was once a former confessional booth and to this day retains its tell-it-all character. Beautiful ceilings, beautiful brickwork, an oasis in the city’s bustle.

When the Devil Himself on our backs placed his hairy knuckles and nudged us in for a bargain Beamish on Monday 10th January 2022, we didn’t feel our integrity slowly disintegrating - for when one enters his parlour of splendour it truly seems like a religious experience. It isn’t false to say we sat at the altar and drank heartily the mock-wine. Other Wetherspoon's (such as The Silver Penny) are cold and sterile with not a private corner in which to sit. Keavan’s Port however is different, unique, and the grandeur of the place will confuse the senses. We have to admit, because one can sit in the chapel with a delicious pint of fast flowing Beamish at such a bargain price, it’s a very welcome addition to the capital. If like us at first you cursed this conglomerate for daring to invade Dublin’s pub scene - you just might have to stick your tail twixt your legs and enjoy it for what it is.

Like all Weatherspoons - customer service is awful and bar service is insufferably slow, so be prepared to queue and eventually be served by some unsmiling dead-eyed moron. [Just a small sample of the staff’s apathy and ignorance, overheard during a recent visit - an Italian came in and asked for Guinness. He was told they had none, only Beamish, ‘It’s similar’. The Italian was beguiled and happily ordered a Beamish, inquiring, with impressive accuracy, ‘Is it from Cork, yes?’ Quoth the dead-eyed barmaid: ‘Dunno. It’s not Irish. It’s ENGLISH.’ (Emphasis added just to rub in this wanton sacrilege and shameless piece of blasphemy!)] Tippler’s Tip: clean and spacious are the facilities for one who needs to empty his bowels.

The pub (though definitely not a pub by definition) is part of a monster hotel made up of 8 Georgian houses, a courtyard and the celebrated chapel which are all interlinked by a glass atrium at the centre. €33 million was spent on the restoration of these Georgian buildings that lay dilapidated on Camden Street for decades. According to their website ‘The pub takes its name from the history of the local area, where Camden Street Upper and Camden Street Lower form part of an ancient highway into the city of Dublin. The two streets were previously known as St Kevin’s Port. In a series of old maps and records, the name is listed as Keavans Port (1673)’ - fact!

Throughout the building one will find splendid stained-glass windows, a huge winding staircase, interesting framed photos which give snippets of historical information, and other details far too numerous to be enumerated. Furthermore, an enormous wood carving of the owner Tim Martin can be found in the atrium (we were later corrected, the carving is of the common warthog).

Get your Beamish here!

But… (as when the fat lady sings, this is a big but) avoid the place like the Covid on weekends as throngs of barely legals will queue half the length of Camden Street clutching their passports and chattering their teeth to get into Dublin’s cheapest home of gin and tonic, vodka and coke and bizarre cocktails called Banzai Pipeline.

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